Damn, am I going to fall apart on my child’s birthday every single year?
Probably.
Today is my beautiful little babe’s second birthday. Finian is two years old!
I can honestly say that my love for this child has surpassed words. It doesn't seem possible, but with each new thing they do, they learn, they say, my love increases. My heart swells with pride and pleasure and joy and . . .
Grief?
Yeah, mixed with the overwhelming joy is overwhelming sadness. I miss my little baby. Where did they go? Most days, the grief part of the joy is easy to shake off. I'll give a little sigh, maybe look at pictures when they were 2 months instead of two years, perhaps even indulge in a momentary fantasy of having another little baby, and I'll go back to watching my Big Kid do Big Kid Things.
Lately, we’ve been working on colors a lot, although the difference between Red and Orange seem to be giving them a little bit of trouble. Val has even been teaching them their colors in Japanese and Spanish, and I love listening to Finnie learning to get their tongue to do all the sound they want to make.
I think all three of us, Finian, Val, and I, all have Neither by Airlie Anderson memorized; Finian requests we read that book 5-10 times a day. I am sad to admit that I have hidden the book from them when I just wanted to read something else please Finian, you have so many books! At least Neither is a really, really good choice for a favorite book.
Nearly every night since they were tiny-tiny, I have asked them what they did that day. It used to be that I would recap the day to them while I got them ready for bed. Now, they happily tell us, explaining all about how they splashed Xuxu in the bath, went for a ride on their new bike with their bike hat (helmet), watched Aristocats (current favorite movie, and it’s requested constantly), what they made their toys say to each other, and everything else they did that day.
Finian also loves to tell me stories about Uncle Ben. “Mama, Uncle Ben is happy!” “Oh, is Uncle Ben happy?” “Yes, happy! Uncle Ben is happy. Uncle Ben work, Uncle Ben sleepy, Uncle Ben happy, Uncle Ben and Charlie Cat!” This is the most common story, with words I can understand. A lot of it is still babbling however. This morning, it was, “Mama! Uncle Ben has blue eyes! Blue eyes! Uncle Ben! BLUE, MAMA!”
Did I mention that Finian got a new bike? Our beloved Aunt Nobi bought Finian a tricycle for their birthday. It’s red, has a handle for grownups to help push and steer, and, which Finnie thinks is the best part, a little trunk on the back where they can hide treasures! Sticks, rocks, and leaves that they find while riding (or, more likely, while they walk beside the bike as they’ve not quite figured out having pedals yet).
You see, I have a Big Kid who does Big Kid Things. They even successfully went potty on the big kid potty the other day. Where did my baby go?
Today is Finian’s birthday, and I am sad. Am I also happy and proud and amazed and filled with so much love and joy there is no possible way to express it? Yes. But also, I am sad. I am grieving my little bean, I am nostalgic for the baby that was, and it is a lot harder to shake off around their birthday then it is on the average day.
I guess birthdays are mile-stones for grief. I just went and re-read my blog post from last year on their birthday, and, yeah, I am basically saying all of the same things I said last year. Parenthood is the weirdest mix of constant emotions. Like, damn, I thought I felt lots of feelings before being a parent, but no, nothing compares to whirlwind heaven/hell of parenthood. Is it the best or the worst? How can I go from absolute joy to absolute grief in the matter of seconds? How can I go from laughing at their antics to screaming NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE TABLE, NO FINIAN, EVEN IF YOU PRETEND TO BE A PUPPY YOU ARE STILL NOT ALLOWED ON THE TABLE? Is it funny that they pretend to be a puppy or pretend to be asleep to try to get out of trouble? Yes, but also! do not stand on the table!
Anyways, happy birthday, Big Kid Finian, you are a delight, a treasure, the sunshine that makes flowers grow. I love you more than words can express. I am so proud of you and everything you are learning and accomplishing. I love chasing you around, laughing, roaring, playing. We have so much fun, we read so many books, we sing so many songs, we have the best dance parties. I love you, Big Two Year Old.